


Don't look back and let go

by MissIves



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: (directly heading into an endless pit of sadness), as canon compliant as "filling in the gaps" can get, except a collecton of the feelings and moments I wished, i don't know where i'm going with this but i know i'm going somewhere, let's just call this a collection of one-shots shall we?, star wars prequel trilogy is its own warning i think, terrible summary because i don't know what this actually is, we had stopped on for more than a few seconds in the canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29453004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissIves/pseuds/MissIves
Summary: In a galaxy at war, sacrifices must be made. And you can't stop it any more than you can stop the suns from setting.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Kudos: 8





	1. Corus: Secrets of the Dead

**Author's Note:**

> A product of the weird endless binge consuption of star wars I've done during January of 2021. I know we have endless "legends" material that could maybe touch upon on what I'm trying to touch upon here but you know what? I was like, "blast it, let's fanfiction anyways". I just have a lot of feelings about Anakin Skywalker and his awesome mom. And the Clone Wars and the Jedi and the Republic.
> 
> First ever EVER Star Wars fanfic I've ever written so... forgive ANY mistakes, this universe is too damn huge. I'm making it up as I go and no, I have no plan B. English is not my first language and feel like THAT is something AO3 should ad to Archive warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some references to Karen Miller's The Clone War: Wild Space

It is not too long after Geonosis, weeks after Anakin's recovery, that Obi-Wan noticed it.

His padawan had guarded his emotions for him too much since the battle against Dooku. Adolescence had changed Anakin from a boy eager to please his master, to a boy who hid his heart to avoid displeasure, then finally into an arrogant young man who too often showed his feelings far too openly, whereas those feelings were disregard or elation. But as of late, their Force bond, and even sans bond, just normal human interaction, showed that Anakin had changed back into that reserved young man. There was a wall between them now.

As they descended over Corus, the humid third moon of a big planet in the Corellia system, Obi-Wan sat back on the seat of the ship and muted out the casual conversation being made between his padawan and the clone in charge of the unit that accompanied them. They were here to secure the moon as a communications and storage station. There was no suspicion of Sith behaviour, but master Windu thought it best to keep Anakin —and Obi-Wan himself— on easy missions after the encounter with Dooku. After this station was secured, they'd have to depart to Muunilinst, to the real battlefront, and then, to Christophsis.

As the others discussed their descent and approximate location within the moon, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and meditated. He felt the Force as he considered whether or not something was wrong with Anakin. While the loss of his hand seemed a forefront reason, Obi-Wan knew his padawan had managed to turn it into a challenge to himself, to overcome any limitations. He had felt Anakin openly emote his gratitude to the Force for sparing the rest of his life and carried on. No, whatever affected Anakin was much larger than that. And indeed, Obi-Wan knew that was something else he had to detach himself from lately that may be more distressing than the loss than his limb.

One did not need special abilities of any kind to see the way his young padawan and senator Amidala looked at each other. Tenderness and yearning, together, often implied a bond that the Jedi discouraged

And yet, after being forced to separate themselves, after Anakin had escorted Padmé back to Naboo and come back having ended any attachment, there was no more of the boyish infatuation that Obi-Wan was wary of. 

“Well, it seems we landed on a good weather day, sir.” Captain Nel said, as they all silently observed the raindrops wet the terrain from the warm safety of the cockpit.

“Never been the kind to look down on a bit of rain.” Anakin quipped. His face, however, was not very enthusiastic. “Do you actually need our help for this?”

“Anakin.” Obi-Wan warned, reaching through the force and sensing little danger in their surroundings. “It seems safe enough to exit.”

“We just need to settle two platoons in two different high grounds. If all is secure we will transmit to the battalion in Corellia and you should be free to take your transport, sir.”

The plan was to stay together, which meant going to a hill to secure a camp and then the other half would travel to another hill to install another camp. Once that was done, the company would make communication with the clone commander of the Corellian battalion, giving Obi-Wan and Anakin leave to join master Voolvif Monn in Muunilinst.

There was little they could do as the clones mounted a camp and set up the first communication devices. Quietly, Anakin and Obi-Wan divided as they each took some squads to round the area and ensure its safety. Anakin’s quietness and lack of further complaints to the relative easiness of the mission only made Obi-Wan confirm his suspicion something was wrong. This could not be leftover from the lecture Obi-Wan was forced to give him following the events in Geonosis, both for his reckless attack on Dooku and his attachment to senator Amidala. Anakin was, after all, used to being disciplined and especially by him and other members of the Council.

A couple of hours later, the work the clone troops had to do was done, a neat little camp was officially up and running, and they even had time to prepare a meal. Then, it was time to get moving, a walk down and then up another hill where another antenna had to be set up. The two platoons were ready to go as soon as possible, and Anakin and Obi-Wan walked among them, silent as they had ever been. Obi-Wan tried to search within their bond, only to come up short. All that Anakin was offering was mild irritation at the monotony of the mission. 

“Captain Nel said it could take a couple of hours to set up the antenna. It would be useful to use such time to meditate, you’ve forgo a meditation retreat after your hand replacement, it’s quite unorthodox.”

“Losing limbs has little to do with meditating, master, and more to do with learning to do things again.”

“And of course, meditation has never helped any Jedi of the past to learn things.”

Anakin took a deep breath and unsuccessfully tried to hide an expression of his that Obi-Wan knew too well. “As you wish, master.”

However, when the time came to sit looking to the horizon, letting the clones install their equipment, the Force offered little answers. Obi-Wan could not find in it why he felt an aura of sadness around his padawan that was just too persistent, as well as a guilt that seemed simply unreasonable. The more he gently prodded on the Force bond with Anakin, the more he found an immovable despair that was not normal in the young man, and a general uneasiness or distrust that Obi-Wan could not understand.

Anakin opened his eyes and stood up quickly, clearly upset at Obi-Wan well meant curiosity but too closed off to display his displeasure openly. 

“Anakin—” Obi-Wan began, but quickly found he had no words. He had no understanding of what afflicted his padawan. Not for the first time, he wished he had Qui-Gon’s guidance.

“Master. If you’ll excuse me I will—”

“No, Anakin, you’re not excused. Sit. Please.”

Obi-Wan’s padawan silently did as he asked. The door that had been opened during meditation was closed, however, and Anakin’s mind shields prevented Obi-Wan from any understanding throughout the force. They’d have to talk.

“I sense turmoil in you, and what’s worse, I sense that instead of coming to me with questions in how to find reassurance in the Force, you’ve taken it upon yourself to arrogantly push forward without thought of fixing what is wrong.”

“So it’s arrogance then, to try to find answers to my own problems by myself?”

“So there _is_ a problem.” Even then, Anakin remained silent. “It is arrogance when you remain troubled and refuse to ask for guidance. I can help.”

“I did ask for guidance.” Anakin shot him a reproachful look that caught Obi-Wan by surprise, though he was quick to hide it. “The guidance didn’t help.”

“How can you be so sure?” It seemed much like Anakin to decide something was wrong and the answer offered was no solution. Obi-Wan’s padawan still didn’t grasp the importance of standing still and waiting, letting the Force work its will.

“Because I told you repeatedly that I dreamt of my mother. You told me to let it go. And now she’s dead, even when I could’ve saved her.” 

Not only did this confession not surprise Obi-Wan, as Anakin had all but blamed him in his grief following the surgical procedure to replace his arm, but he had long suspected that that conversation would come back to haunt him. Anakin’s voice barely contained his fury and made it clear the loss was still very fresh, but aside from that, Obi-Wan knew very well that the explanations he had given at the time had been insufficient. At that moment, Obi-Wan had expressed perplexity that Anakin blamed him, telling his padawan that he had never told him that his dreams included a premonition of death. But Obi-Wan meditated and reflected on the circumstances and realised that, deliberate inaction or not, he was the master. If his apprentice had not been entirely transparent with him, it had been his fault for shutting him down.

_Search your feelings, Obi-Wan, what you’ve seen of grief before_. There was no use reproaching his padawan for his continued attachment to his mother. It was her loss now that they had to deal with. “I’m so sorry for your loss Anakin, I truly, truly am. Find solace in the fact that she’s one with the Force now, and in such a way, always surrounding you.”

Some of the anger radiating off Anakin dissipated, but it seemed to be replaced by disappointment, and still, too much suffering. And there was still the accusation behind Anakin’s words. That he could’ve saved his mother. If not for what? Obi-Wan’s lessons on refrainment? 

“Anakin, sometimes we must learn… that death is part of life, and we can’t fix everything. Life goes on as the Force wills it, and we must not believe ourselves in control of life.”

Anakin looked at him as if he had grown montrals. And then he looked guilty, remorseful, and sad. It was different from the emotional turmoil Obi-Wan had dealt with before with his padawan. Anakin was often fearful, or angry, or greedy, or impatient. But those were human emotions that the Jedi, and the masters especially, were taught to train their padawans into controlling. True, real human suffering because of loss was not common among Jedi, having grown in peace and detachment. Even when he lost Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan had so many years of training to fall back on, he had pain but he had acceptance. It didn’t seem like Anakin had much acceptance. And it made sense. Had he even told anyone besides Obi-Wan? Had anyone given him any other words of comfort? How had he even found out? Had he arrived at Tatooine to be told the dreadful news by his former owner? For a moment, Obi-Wan was glad that Padmé had been with him. It had been a risk to the Senator’s life to go there, and the attachment should not be encouraged, but nevertheless, at least he wasn’t alone.

_He doesn’t need a Jedi Master right now_ , a voice which sounded like Qui-Gon spoke in his head, _he needs comfort other than the Force_. Yoda had warned him not to be Anakin’s friend but his teacher, and yet Obi-Wan knew Anakin would respond better to a friend than a master.

“I truly I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m sure she would be proud of the capable young man you’re becoming.”

“She was.”

Obi-Wan’s head whipped to look at Anakin’s profile. When Anakin had been questioned about the detour he had taken to Tatooine, he had been... vague. Knowing he had been afflicted with bad dreams, Obi-Wan at least partially understood the impulse, and Padmé had revealed that it was of her interest to see what became of the woman who once helped her when in time of need. The Senator had also revealed it has been all her intention, to go to Geonosis and try to save Obi-Wan, that Anakin had only been fulfilling his duty of bodyguard. In retrospect, Obi-Wan could see he had undermined Anakin’s authority in front of Padmé, and had more or less destined him more to shadow her than to effectively impose restrictive security measures on her. In a moment of humility, he had relented that perhaps pairing them together had been a completely bad decision from the start. Especially considering how it had ended up.

His thoughts were interrupted by a blaster shot.

“What in the name of—”

“General! It’s some unfriendly locals!”

Anakin already had his lightsaber unclipped, happy for a distraction.

“Anakin, there’s no need for compulsory combat practice. It could just be a warning to stay away.”

Several blaster shots were fired this time, with Obi-Wan being lucky he had Anakin to deflect the shots.

“You need to stay _alive_ to stay _away_ , Master.”

Obi-Wan said nothing as he unclipped his own lightsaber, asking Captain Fel to be quick about their business. Whomever the unfriendly locals were, they kept on firing even as Obi-Wan shouted that they did not need to fight. It all turned to worse when a cannon blaster shot was fired. Thankfully it didn’t seem to inflict any fatalities among the platoons.

“Alright, these are definitely not _just_ some unfriendly locals!” 

“ _Now_ can I use compulsory combat practice, master?!”

The unit of droids was not large in numbers, but heavy in firepower. They were, for the most part, annoying more than dangerous. But finding them meant a more thorough examination of the safety of the moon as a communication center. As Obi-Wan discussed the further deployment of more troops to the moon, he sensed Anakin to be distracted and anxious. Which never really meant anything good.

“Shouldn’t we investigate ourselves, master?”

“Patience, padawan. The captain has said his orders are to wait for further troops to be sent from Corellia. We’re just supposed to wait.”

Telling Anakin to wait was like telling a child not to touch something, so soon he was pacing back and forth as long as their secured perimeter allowed. Obi-Wan helped prepare root tea, and patiently listened as the clones discussed how best to secure the antennas in case of an imminent attack. He had a feeling his padawan was probably eavesdropping the conversation too, always eager to get his hands on anything mechanical. Which meant he was staying away from Obi-Wan. Well, bad luck for him. 

Anakin didn’t say anything as he came to step beside him, silently walking together along the perimeter. He thought again of what to say. He had already apologized to Anakin about his mother. As a teacher, Obi-Wan already felt like nothing could savage this. Not truly. Reproach, discipline, all he had gotten was an Anakin more inclined to distance than trust and respect. Yoda had warned him not to be Anakin's friend, but truly, Obi-Wan was at a loss.

"I understand your pain, Anakin, or rather, I understand it is very normal and acceptable that you're in pain" As a Master he should tell him not to dwell. "Remember her fondly and try to live in the present as she would've liked, as the Jedi she sent you to become. It's what she wanted for you that matters."

Obi-Wan prodded at Anakin, trying to feel what he wouldn't say. It was difficult, at some point he was pretty sure he was bound to find a wall, but for the most part it seemed Anakin was receptive of his apology, but perhaps less so of his advice. He also sensed something else, but again, nothing came from him.

“Padmé told you about her death, didn’t she?”

Obi-Wan was suddenly uncomfortable. “Senator Amidala was just looking after you. She didn't overshare any details.”

A very diminutive smile took over Anakin, unlike the grins he’d sport when excited or amused, it was softer, reserved. Worse or better yet — he could not decide — just the mere mention of her name brought a sense of peace to the turmoil inside Anaki that could be felt through their bond. Obi-Wan resisted the urge to shake his head. _Attachments, attachments..._

“I know she meant good. She’s a good friend, and kinder than most politicians. And we share an appreciation of… privacy.”

More than Anakin’s words regarding his obvious appreciation of Senator Amidala, Obi-Wan read between the lines what his intentions were. His padawan would never, for no reason, threaten him. But there were measured ways to tell someone to mind their own business. Perhaps his time with a politician did teach him a thing or two regarding oratory.

“Privacy is a good thing. To keep secrets, however, can often lead to misery.”

Anakin stopped his pacing, his eyes shifting along the darkness as if looking for more enemies, even if eyes could be deceiving. Obi-Wan stopped tugging at their Force bond, wanting him not to feel pressured. “She didn’t die peacefully.”

Obi-Wan hid his surprise and waited patiently for more information. Shmi was not very old, but life as a slave had been harsh. As a child, Anakin had had more than one reaction that had left a younger Obi-Wan baffled. From his deep understanding of the cruelty of the world to his way to understand authority and power. Anakin, however, didn’t offer more information.

“You were with her when it happened?”

It pained him to ask, but the pain in Anakin’s voice was greater. “She was tortured for days by the Sand people. She died in my arms.”

He knew the feeling all too well. Not quite with the same intensity, perhaps, but his own grief regarding Qui-Gon had been no small thing.

“I’m quite sorry she died in pain.” _Comfort, Obi-Wan, he needs comfort_ . He raised his hand, squeezing his shoulder. “You know my feelings on this are true.” _I would have saved her for you if I could_ , Obi-Wan had said when Anakin had come back from building a new lightsaber, and he had meant it. “Are you sure nothing else bothers you?”

“That’s not _enough_ for you?”

“That’s not what I meant, I—” Obi-Wan could feel Anakin closing off again. The indignation in his voice had been clear. “You’ve handled it quite well so far, Anakin, I mean it, I know it must be hard.”

His padawan’s face was inscrutable, only murmuring, “thank you, master.”

Anakin returned to the clones then, asking questions regarding their next steps. The turmoil he sensed in his padawan remained, but Obi-Wan told himself the same thing he often told the young man. _Patience, patience_. Sooner rather than later, he’d unlock whatever secrets troubled Anakin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for reading. A review would just make me forever grateful.


	2. Naboo: Lovers of the War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who left kudos in the chapter before, and those who bokmarked! :')
> 
> This one is Anidala :)

Varykino was, as always, calm and relaxing. Within the walls of the sumptuous Naberrie summer retreat, Padmé brushed her hair. It was wet, as she had all but forced Anakin to take a dip in the lake. Sometimes, it was hard for him to just not take himself seriously and just have fun. But then, he’d tease her, and pretend her pushing —as if she'd actually gather the strength to move him when he towered over her— was what made him fall into the water.

They had been talking about Christophsis, and his new padawan, and the funny things she had seen when going to lower levels looking for Ziro the Hutt. Which according to Anakin, were nothing compared to the worst bars of Mos Espa. Conversation flowed freely, and she enjoyed it. Their casual communication tended to be cut short most of the time. It was nice to get Anakin talking openly.

"I still can't believe they made you take a Hutt's child back to Tatooine, honestly…" Padmé shook her head, biting her tongue from further comment.

"It was the Council's intention to learn something from it, perhaps." He said darkly, making her look at him lounging on the bed. He had a way of saying it… like he had disappointed someone, as if the lesson had not stuck and he felt ashamed.

Padmé didn't want to speak ill of the Jedi. She respected them quite a lot, understood their role as peacekeepers was often harder than it seemed and knew they were an important part of Anakin's life. And yet… _Couldn't Obi-Wan, at least, stop them from asking such a thing of Anakin? It almost seemed deliberatively cruel._

"It was a tad insensitive, Ani." She lowered her brush to reach to him, placing a hand on his leg. When she squeezed, he sat up and brought his flesh hand to hers and squeezed back. "Maybe they'll be more mindful in the future?"

"I doubt it." He shrugged. Then he smiled softly at her. "But I'm glad you understand what I'm feeling."

Padmé smiled softly. She walked to the bed and let her hand run through his hair. It had grown since his knighting, but Anakin still looked so young. She could hardly believe he had a padawan of his own now. It seemed every time they had to see each other again, there was too much to talk about, and not enough time. It wouldn’t make it easier what she had to tell him next.

“I’m afraid I cannot stay for your entire… ‘meditation leave’.” Padmé said, saddened at the hurt on his face, “I have an important voting session in the Senate tomorrow afternoon.”

“Tomorrow?” He exhaled, throwing himself back on the bed, looking up the ceiling. He was upset, even when he was used to reign in his emotions, he was like an open book to her. Padmé crawled to lie next to him.

“I’m sorry. But it is my duty. You understand.”

“I guess I do.” She scooted closer to him. “Would you ever consider—,no, nevermind.” 

“Tell me,” she held his hand, “tell me.”

“Would you ever leave it? The Senate?” His voice was but a whisper, and yet so eager.

“Now that we’re in war?! Ani, I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Why?! Anakin, this war… the Republic… democracy has never needed my work more.” He nodded silently, far away from her. “Or yours.”

“I forget why sometimes. I… I do believe in helping all the innocents we save.”

“That’s what you do.” She reaffirmed his line of thoughts and leaned closer to peck his cheek. “You save people. You help others. That’s what you do, you’ve been doing it since I met you, remember?”

“Yes.” His smile was almost sad.

“We’ll see each other when you’re back on Coruscant. Stay here some days, you deserve some rest.”

“I don’t rest when I’m not with you. Not really.” Padmé let him hold her closer, even when she was supposed to be packing and not wasting time cuddling. “I hate not knowing when we’ll see each other again.”

It was difficult to see each other again. In fact, it would not happen until aboard the _Malevolence_. After that whole ordeal, Padmé struggled with the knowledge that this war was becoming like all wars do, a reason for advancement in technology, technology to kill more people. It was very sad. She was from Naboo, a planet more known for its rich artistry — even in manufacturing technology — and ancient high culture. But still their richness and development would be nothing without the droid technology. When species of all over the galaxy had developed droids, it was to make life easier, to support a better and nicer way of living. Instead now it was all about who could spend more in developing better killing machines.

Riyo Chuchi lamented on it often when they sat, along with Bail and Mon, and spent some time together reviewing information to bring forth in the relief commission.

"I spent years studying law and economics you know?" Senator Chuchi sighed, "but I feel like all I do now is bring home bad news instead of solutions."

Padmé remembered her time working with refugees, or defending her people from an invasion. It certainly felt like a more rewarding job than checking war reports and going to commissions that seldom offered solutions to the problems of the galaxy.

"I thought this war could be avoided with diplomacy." Padmé admitted, reprimanding herself for her naïveté, even though she and Riyo were young and were supposed to be more idealistic. Bail sent her a sad look. "But I can't stop thinking about the size of that ship, the _Malevolence_ , and the destruction it seeked to leave behind."

"All I can think of when I see this war is what we lose from it. The people, their rights, the economy, the good neighbouring costumes between systems, the exchange of cultures between us. The civility of the Republic," Riyo shook her head in horror, "the other day I noticed the HoloNet is all about War programs. Propaganda, war dramas, investigations on the Separatists deeds, gritty documentaries. Like I _needed_ to see how some poor Jedi general lost all his clone squadron during an aerial attack."

"That's what we are now, as a Republic. Spectators of a conflict we failed to avoid."

Padmé nodded at Bail's words, dismayed. As the other two read a recently received message in the Senate's internal network, her thoughts returned to Anakin. How she had met him as a kid with extraordinary talent, making a droid to help his mother, and now he only tore them to pieces while protecting the Republic. She didn't think it phased other Jedi and clones much, but she imagined it was a little hard to go from the exhilarating process of creation to making war and destroying. 

Bail and Riyo faces were grim. The latest report from the scuffle at the _Malevolence_ was new and, as it often was in such cases, too filled with military jargon to be so easy to understand. The war had also tested all of them in their easiness to learn the language of the GAR, and how to make decisions based on military logic.

_If the report is available to us, it means Anakin, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka had reported to the Jedi Council, and all the proceedings and formalities with the GAR had been filled. He's free!_

She couldn't dare hope much. Perhaps, he'd be sent to another mission straight away, or be tasked with something else. But maybe, just maybe, Anakin could be waiting for her at her apartment. She made up some excuse to her companions to explain a sudden need to go home, and got on a Senatorial transport along with 3PO.

When she was inside the apartment, she was happy to find him looking out the varanda. He turned to grin at her, and Padmé dismissed 3PO as Anakin ran to engulf her in a hug.

"I thought you might be in the Senate, but I decided to take a chance—"

He squeezed her tighter and spinned her around, making Padmé giggle. Then, once he set her down, she led them to the couch. She grabbed the holopad on the table to send a message among her offices that she'd not be back soon. Anakin made it difficult, however, distracting her with his lips.

His kisses were hungry, as they often were upon his return. Padmé herself missed him dearly, eager to have with him more moments that were not... stolen retreats to Varykino. But with the war, all she had was this, and encrypted communications. She couldn't really schedule her life around his occasional visits, and she had to turn him away for some moments as she finished her business and justified her missing presence at her offices.

Padmé happily sat very close next to him and let him play with her hair, slowly pulling out its numerous pins and accessories as she sent final documents and messages that she'd be taking a personal day. Once she was done, she giggled as she turned a bit further away, laying on some cushions and putting her feet on his lap. Anakin made a show of beginning a massage, although she wasn't really sore or anything.

"Do you want to eat something?" She asked, knowing that it was not often that they could share a meal or prepare something together. Anakin shook his head.

"Ate on the cargo ship. Some weird Orillian fried thing."

"Oh, I think Representative Ban gave us one of those the other day, they're all the rage lately."

It was unspoken that if their marriage wasn't a secret, she'd drag him to taste the food from a nice Coruscant restaurant, or he'd surprise her with a trip to Orillia itself to eat it made by locals. As it was, all they had was this. She had tasted it with other members of the Senate on some dinner, and he had eaten it in a rush while catching a ride on some cargo ship.

"They were nice enough, but I was bit more preoccupied with the occupation on Oslao. It seemed ridiculous when they began attacking the Keilling starships for no reason, and out of our Jedi business at first, but Rex told me clones would soon be deployed."

"Oh that's terrible. Oslao is not a very resourceful planet, they live quite simply. I wished the Chancellor had shared some of this information with us." She couldn't hide the indignation in her voice, even if she knew him to be Anakin's friend.

"Would it have helped?"

"It's like I said, Oslao has no type of power to be attacking starships or resources to be a lucrative spot for an occupation. If it has come to that, there must have been some diplomatic failure. Or a private interest messing with the two systems."

Anakin snorted. "No surprise there. Maybe if the Republic had intervened before—"

"We have principles of no intervention. They can be controversial but they're there for a reason."

"All that suffering for trade routes. Meanwhile, everywhere I have to go we see domination, invations and indentured servants."

"The Republic has laws that—"

"The Republic does nothing useful!" He vented, but upon his words Padmé flinched. Immediately, he calmed himself. "You're angry." He put some space between them, gently pushing her feet on the floor. Padmé suspected he had not used any Jedi trick, because anger was simply not what she was feeling. 

"No, Ani," she exhaled as she scooted closer, "I'm not angry, I am frustrated."

"Forget everything I said, let's not ruin this." He made a move to sweetly kiss her anger away, but she turned her face from him.

"No, Ani. You think what you say doesn't frustrate me. I _know_ why you feel what you said so keenly. I know it's what real people who are suffering war feel too, exasperation and righteous anger that we've failed as politicians."

"I know you do your best, you're the best of them all." He seemed quite eager to let the conversation behind, but she much preferred it when they were honest with each other. 

"And it is not enough, when you, you who know my efforts and how I battle on the Senate floor, when _you_ say things like that it just makes it more obvious how far we're from doing a good job."

"When we win—"

"Win what, Ani? Sometimes I feel this whole thing is ridiculous. We weren't perfect but we sure did a better job when we were not concerned with military spending."

"Padmé. I believe if we win we will have peace. And then the Jedi can truly help people who need it. Or at least I will. Even if not as a Jedi, no…" Anakin screwed up his face, as if a very unpleasant word had been uttered in the room, "as someone who has been told to fight this war, I tell you we need to know we're on the good side. We need to believe us to be the heroes of the better cause. Then when it's all over, I can save people who need us, and I won't be regretting all the people I didn't save by fighting a war."

"Oh Ani." She hugged him then, feeling small and tired. Anakin engulfed her in an embrace of strength and courage only he could give. She felt too vulnerable then not to openly admit the pathetic truth. "I think of you when I'm in the Senate. I'm supposed to be focused on finishing bills but I'm always wondering when… if I'll see you again."

"Don't turn me away, then." He said, his fingers coming to her chin to tilt her face up, kissing her hungrily. Padme felt the usual spark of passion that awoke deep within her core when he kissed her like that. Unashamedly unrestrained. 

She enjoyed his show of carrying her to bed by laughing for the first time since his arrival, and her laughter seemed to release his first real smile since he came home. Padmé enjoyed those smiles, they were only hers. They were remnants of the giggles in Varykino, of tumbles on the grass and flying fruit across the dinner table. The urgency of the forbidden awoke passion, but the familiarity of love always brought joy with it. Their actions still had the lingered awkwardness of the first times because of how little time they've had to be with each other, a lack of coordination, rushing through motions that sometimes required more time, both of them still needing more time to learn to read each other. But besides that, the heat of their embrace, the eagerness of their fingers to touch everywhere, the breathlessness of hard, desperate kisses…. It all made up for what their separation prevented them from learning yet.

Afterwards, elated and spent, Padmé curled up to his side and closed her eyes. She tried to burn the look in his eyes into her memory once more, and not let herself forget his smell. Often, other female Senators would voice complaints about the limitations their jobs put to love; if they had families, they could not see them often; if they didn't have someone, it was difficult to meet normal people; if they met someone, many partners could have problems when the other part worked in something as demanding and prioritizing as political work. It made for sad stories, of failed relationships, of unappreciative or unsympathetic partners, of even worse partners who knew they could get away with a lot when in a relationship with someone who hardly had time to keep tabs on fidelity. Anakin felt perfect in comparison. Padmé never doubted his devotion, ever. It was paramount, as secure as the love her family had for her.

But by contrast, she always had to wonder if this war would take him from her. It had been, in part, why she had suggested they marry. Because if anything happened, she didn't want any of them to die with regret. Anakin more than likely, going head first into the front lines as he surely did, even if he spared her the misery of being honest about how _much_ danger he put himself in. Her dreams of a family like that his parents or her sister formed would need to wait.

As the sun set in Coruscant, she remained awake as Anakin slept. Tomorrow night, he'd sleep on the temple for appearances sake, but tonight he was hers. Padmé also worried for his previous outburst of frustration. Not so much for him, exactly, because she knew him to be good and just trying to grasp at what can be good or bad when you're a soldier in war. But his frustrations with their political system… She knew very well those feelings were real in many other people, in members of the Republic and the Independent systems too. She was not blind to their faults but in her mind, it couldn't be that things got so bad that one could just dismiss all the principles one had learnt. 

Padmé remembered the humble home where Anakin came from, a reality she had never known before going to Tatooine. Sometimes, her husband would tell her horrible stories about what living as a slave truly was, and she treasured those moments. There was a side of him, the Force, his duties, that belonged to the Jedi. It was something she'd never share or understand. But those things that troubled Anakin, those experiences that had formed him as a child, those he had chosen to share with her. She cherished and remembered them every time she became uneasy with his frustrations. After all, it was the way she could be strong for him too. His anchor.

It was what the Republic should be, for everyone who lived in the situations Anakin often complained about. An anchor, some hope, a reliable stronghold. It was what she worked so hard for, why she silently battled her constant worries over Anakin while she debated in the Senate. 

She felt him stir next to her, his hand reaching for her. Padmé smiled at the feeling of his metallic arm curling around her waist. He always thanked her for having never once complained on their first nights together. By now, she was used to it, and a part of her smiled knowing all those girls who dreamed of the handsome hero of the Republic probably didn't even know he lacked a hand. She didn't mind. She didn't mind keeping his secrets. It was all they had, really. Love and secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know they were in Naboo for all of 5 minutes, but I just wanted to show them really struggling to come up with any time to be together. I always thought that was so tragic. They seemed very in love, but never had time to be a couple in love except for stolen moments.
> 
> I initially thought this would be a bit of a collection of one shots, but the things I'm writing are taking me elsehwere so... there will be a plot soon. At some point. I swear it.


End file.
